Ketchup Kills Youth

Ello!

If you would have asked me a couple of years ago what three things I most would not want in life the answer would have a receding hairline, a love of KFC and a bottle of Ketchup.
Now the KFC thing was the first to go, I'm not saying its like that scene in Minority Report where Tom Cruise goes jogging to the bad part of town in order to buy space drugs or what ever he was getting (most likely just normal drugs but I'm hoping they were space drugs) but it is not close off. The two times it really hits home is right after any kind of gym visit or after a really bad nights drinking. Logic means I can tame the gym thing but in my weakened state of being hungover I can also almost hear the Zinger burger call to me 'Ohhh Andy, you know you want me, I'll follow you on twitter and watch Doctor Who with you, which is all you ever wanted in a woman' and being the weak man I am it wins. Granted I'm attempting to go cold Turkey which means I'm expecting a dead baby to walk up my wall clinging to a Zinger Box at any moment, but I'm shying away from the point I wanted to make, and that comes with the simple purchase of a bottle of Ketchup.
Ladies and gents lets paint a picture. A tired and sweaty young Mr. Gaffney comes back to his flat after a hard day of doing an easy job which took about an hour and sipping a pint while reading Total Film while dreaming of Alexa Chung running towards him in a corn field only to come back to his flat and find the fridge as empty as a member of the Loose Women's note book on 'How not to be Annoying', so a trip to the shop was needed. When I arrived I didn’t buy my normal Pizza, cheap water and orange juice I normally go for, I felt the need to do a bit more, little did I know that would be start of this whole new feeling. I picked myself up some bread and butter with said orange juice , which took care of the next breakfast but I had came here for Dinner so picked myself up some fish and a few oven chips , not exactly a Kitchen Nightmares make over I know but there is a point to all this. I had everything, I was making my way to the counter but then I thought 'I normally eat spicy wedges and not chips, I better get something to jazz them up' now people who know me will know I like plain food, hella plain, so plain I would ask for plain food paste if I were an Astronaut, but today was different, I was going to buy myself some Ketchup. I made my way to the little bit in the corner of the shop and saw a massive ugly red plastic container , now seeing as I don't run a cafe in Eastenders, I didn’t get that, oh but then I seen it, a Ketchup bottle so perfect I felt like David Bowman. It was a perfectly sized bottle of Heinz, and glass too, it was perfect. Then it hit me, I felt grown up, this isn't some microwaveable chicken curry, this is something that real people with real problems buy, it was glass and it was Ketchup, the back bone of any kitchen sink drama. I could already see myself down the mines, going to football games on a Saturday and dealing with lone sharks. I felt great, that the tiny childish me has gone away for a little while.
Now lets get one thing clear, I still am unrealistically chasing a career by doing an non paying job and sticking to it and have no plans to enter into too much of the real world, but for some reason this fancy glass bottle of Ketchup will always be a little image to me of 'You know what, you've made your bed now time to be a grown up in it'. As for the receding hairline, that’s also on the way to stay...screw this getting older stuff.

Old Habits die Hard.

Ello!,
There is very little point of making another post about changing my ways saying I will post more, because I probably won't but I will try. Its been awful long time since the first video, but there are two more coming, its gonna be the second best series of movies of all time just behind the Emmanuelle movies and just before Star Wars.

This whole looking for a talent thing, well in the past couple of months I did my first stand up , which went mostly well I think and started on a long road on radio, which is an awful lot of fun. Sure does beat working. However this is turning into an actual blog so let me move away from this and just say that for does who care there will be more videos coming.

So what shall we talk about now? Well meeting girls of course.

Seems to me that I'm come across a great way of , dare I say, chatting a lady up. This is by asking simply 'Whats your favorite movie?'.

Now I'm not great with women. I do alright but to quote a friend 'Andy is a midfielder, not a striker or defender', if I do fancy a young lady, i struggle to think of an 'in'. However if low confidence and social awkwardness is my Berlin Wall well then 'Whats your favorite movie?' is my David Hasselhoff.

The key to 'Whats your favorite movie?' is 85% of the time people want to talk about something they love. Just last night a young lady spent a while discussing her favorite scenes from Cool runnings. It also is a great time saver because if when asked about mine and I say "Empire fo' so' " and they reply with 'I hate star wars' I can simply go back to my pint, pretty much a first date in five seconds.

Of course the end goal will always be to find one of these answers 'Empire' 'High Fidelity' 'Jurrasic Park' or 'Im too busy to watch movies, what with running the international fan club for short indie boys who attempt to be funny'. So if I do happen to drunkenly stumble up to you in a bar and ask 'Whats your favorite movie?' and you happen to give one of these answers in my head we will be running towards each other in a corn field while this song plays in my head

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=674PtHca8Kg&feature=related

Thank you

Much love to your peeps

Andy

The search begins

So day one, my wee walk around was lovely and its all captured right here for you in loving montage form, I'm too bloody good to you people. Please ignore the sound issues and the very hung over man fronting this, but hey, no one said me finding a talent would be a pretty thing.

The could be talented Mr.Gaffney

So this life of being work shy, where has it got me? "Take the summer off, that will do nicely, you never know what good T.V. might be on" a not so wise person said to me, well that or I just felt like it, its hard to tell. However no one told me that soon after this the world would come to economic melt down, if I knew that I may have wrote out a C.V. or something before the day after tomorrow happened (Yeah I know in that it was weather but it was that or reference Independence Day and who wouldn't want to that happen in a real life just for a chance to punch an alien and say 'Welcome to earth!' ). So its time to focus, does it this mean hitting jobs.ie like I'm a drunk northsider and its someone who owns a scarf? It might, but thats not my style. A wise man once said that "Everyman should have at least one talent", well I say wise it was Jude Law in a film, but still its a good point. So its time to use my talent, of course here is the tricky part. How does one figure out their talent? Is my talent not having any talent what so ever, and if so how do I harness this power of talented talentlessness into some class of power house that will have me not in underware at 10:45 am only ever putting on pants to head down to spar to buy some breadrolls. I think the best thing to do is take it to the people and let them try to figure out what my talent is.

A New Hope

Ello, what’s shaking peeps?

So a rather beautiful thing happened tonight in my normally not worthy to blog about life. Now don't get too excited, its not like a new Londis opened or anything, that was last week but this is rather lovely. I was strolling around my local Xtravision (the main video store chain in Ireland for any out of towners) and I was doing my normal thing of weighing up should I rent this movie again and slightly wishing I had a girl to rent the many romcoms that I not so secretly really want to watch. At this point I seen a very small boy run in the door of said video hangout followed by his father, a very young man himself who could not have been more than a couple of years older than me. The father rather naturally joined me looking at the new releases while his son went exploring and then bang, the tsunami of adorable hit. The wee boy runs up to his father clutching a DVD shouting 'Star Wars! Star Wars' and sure enough the lad was holding a copy of Return of the Jedi. The father seemed quite shocked by this having to ask a couple of times 'You want to watch Star Wars yeah?' but did not mess around, he ran up the counter before the child had to chance to find 'Max 10' on DVD (I think that’s what the kids are into these days..).
Though what made this nearly bring a tear to my eye? For the main part it was the look on the fathers face as knew he was about to partake in what surely must be the main reason to have kids, to show them a Star Wars movie for the first time. Obviously there are other reasons such as carrying on the human race and the chance to a raise a child that uses the term 'Cunt Muscle' as a term of endearment, but showing Star Wars to your kids must rank among them. Now a vital thing to remember when first showing a Star Wars movie to your kid is that order is not important. That may seem like crazy talk and I'm sure a number of you are right now digging through your toilets to find some excrement just to throw at me, but claim down shit hands. The reason why it isn't vital to show them in order is because its all about the feeling of the Star Wars universe. It doesn't matter if your young tiny brain first sees Han saving Luke in the Death Star Trench Run or Han saying 'I know' in Empire, all that matters is that you seen Han be the coolest guy in the entire universe. I for example seen Empire first on a recorded BetaMax tape brought over by my older cousin and I still remember like it was yesterday, including playing out my favourite parts with Gi Joe toys right after. So I can only hope that in five, ten or twenty years time my own child will ask 'Daddy, why do you have toys in your bedroom' and I will get a chance to say 'That’s because of Star Wars shit covered porta-potty at Electric Picnic' ..Yes I am going to go down the Posh Spice route and name the child where it was conceived, well that or Chewie.

Return of the Mac, here we go.

Ello,
So I realize that I have treated this blog horribly. I pick it up, use it when I want and then disappear, I'm like the blogging version of John Leslie, there's an obscure reference for you. So now I turn over a new leaf, I will get this blog into the leagues of the big time bloggers. My ambition is to see it at number thirty some day in the top thirty blog chart, ironically that position is currently filled by the "Dumb Little Man" blog that aims to provide the modern man with advice. Though the problem with this blog is that surely the advice given will come into conflict. For example two popular sections on the site are 'How to have the greatest day of your life' and 'How to get yourself out of debt', surely though you can't do both, Coke and ladyboy whores are not cheap you know?

So now that I find myself, sitting and typing at my computer I may finally go ahead and finish my C.V. , but its bloody hard. The hardest part comes not from making up the details, because to be fair I did do most of them, its just the extent of what I did, may have been altered. Not huge stuff, just saying '" I would go to this pub if I were you" becomes promotional work and hooking up with unattractive women becomes charity work. Everybody wins.

Right, hope your well, I will try to keep this up purely for my sense of self worth but right now I'm off to do one of things that 'Dumb Little Man' suggests I do to have the greatest day of my life. I'm torn between 'Be god like' and 'Have a relationship with yourself'. To be honest I'm gonna take the easier path here because the latter I can knock out on the jax right now in two to three minutes.

A theme emerges.

Ello, how is everyone?

I find myself returning to blog as a way of avoiding work, hence the emerging theme. The work that has been left behind quicker than my future off spring in first class this time is that of revising Freud. Now being a psychology student I have read Freud for going on four years now and do rather like the guy. Well I say like, reading Freud for me is kinda like talking to your granddad just before the end where you'll listen and smile at his stories but take the piss out of him behind his back to your friends (and or his nurses) at the pub. However tonight my mind can not get into the bearded one. I have no idea why, perhaps the call of YouTube videos is too hard to pass up on or because I can play some Columbian on Mario Kart Wii (kicked his ass by the way) , though more likely because something else is amiss.

Perhaps I need to look at the teaching of Freud to find this missing piece, it was the man himself who said in my favorite of his quotes "We must begin to love in order not to fall ill and we are bound to fall ill in frustration that we are unable to love" . Will Smith however said on the subject "When I turned 28, everything clicked. I even got way better in bed."


I warned people of a theme....